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Processing to Progress

The guests have gone home, the flowers are gone, and the phone calls and condolences have ceased...what to do now?
Most of us know how difficult it can be to lose someone that we love.  After the trauma, after the outpouring of emotion, we are left alone to answer the age old question, "Where do I go from here?".  
Grief can be very overwhelming, and isolating, for that matter.  So, processing your way to progress is very important, and a way to begin healing the heart, mind, body, and soul (all of which needs attention).
First off, allowing ourselves time to grieve, and understanding its purpose, is an essential tool to moving through our pain.  Like any emotion, grief is a process, taking on different forms.  Remember, no two people are the same, so this may vary from one individual to the next.  The current basic model for grief, is comprised of 5 stages.

The five stages of grief, and coping with them:

1. Denial (or Isolation):  Sometimes upon learning that someone that we love is passing, or has passed,  can be overwhelming, to say the least.  We may not be ready to process the gravity of the event.  So, as a defense mechanism, one might refuse the news as true. This is a temporary fix that will soon be over-shadowed by reality.

2. Anger:  Anger is one of the most primal emotions, especially in sadness.  It is sometimes easier to be upset with God, doctors, even family members, in an effort to deflect the onset of pain. In any case, talking about these feelings with somebody you trust can be very therapeutic.

3. Bargaining:  This is the stage, I like to call the "Should have, Would have, Could have" phase.  In the stage of bargaining, questioning everything, and how doing things differently "might have" changed the outcome, is quite common.  We must remember this, "The past is behind us, and we cannot take responsibility for the way life unravels.  Surrendering is key."

4. Depression:  This is the stage where a sense of hopeless/helplessness tends to surface.    Many who hear this word, immediately attach a negative connotation to it.  In this case, it is considered not only "normal",  but, essential and inevitable to the road to recovery. Allowing ourselves some time for the pain is healthy, in my opinion, to a point.  Endpoint being, that one is stuck in the sorrow and losing faith in life.  This stage can be very tricky, as some of us may have a history of depression, or even suicidal ideation.  If you fit into this category, my advice is to remain vigilant, and if necessary, seek the help of a professional.  The strongest people in the world are those who are humble enough to ask for help when it is needed.

5. Acceptance: Acceptance simply means, that we have now accepted the circumstance. This stage can be another deceiving one as some may think that accepting something means being it's "all better".  This is not necessarily true.  However, at this point, hopefully, you are having more good days than bad, or you can see light again...sometimes.  At this point, it is time for a new version of normal.  Finding that new version of normal can be the most challenging part of this entire process.

After the process is said and done, prepare to process some more.  Here are some ideas on moving forward when the dust settles.  Since sadness can cloud judgement, talking to others who have been where you are, can be very helpful.  This will allow you to help deduce logical thoughts from useless, invasive ones.  
Remember to talk to yourself, as well, as this is one of the most important conversations one can have.   How we talk to ourselves is very important.  For example, try to tell yourself that you are worth it, and that your loved one would want to see you thrive, not surrender to pain.  
I have found it crucial to stop, think, and sometimes do the opposite of what I think I want, replacing it with what I need instead.  For instance, I have replaced my desire to isolate by embracing those around me, and surrounding myself with love and encouragement.  Ask people that you trust for help.  Remember that you are worthy of care too, accept it, and be in the moment of love.
Sometimes, sitting alone with our thoughts can be therapeutic, but in times of fear, it can be debilitating.  Be aware of your thoughts before you sit alone with them.  However, if alone time is being used constructively  i.e. meditation, staying in the moment, smelling the roses, than you are on the journey of processing to progress. 
                                                                                                                                                                -Nicole 

Nicole N.
1/19/2013 09:14:04 am

I hope that my words can provide comfort, companionship, and/or healing, to those who are looking for the light in the dark.

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1/19/2013 09:48:09 am

Thank you your word do mean alot.... I can tell you that it is hard to deal with this matter.

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Nicole N.
1/19/2013 10:21:29 am

Thank you Beth! And I wish you nothing but blessings...I hope you are not dealing with this matter. But, if you are...you are not alone. Be well, and thanks again!!!

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John Y
1/19/2013 11:24:25 am

Wow, I wish I had read this around when my grandfather who I was very close to passed on because it was hard. I got through it though. It took time to grieve but not really get over it. I don't think you ever get over it. I try not to think about him too much but it's good to think about him sometimes. I try to think of the memorable times and good times I shared with him to cope with his loss.

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Nicole N.
1/19/2013 11:32:00 am

Thank you, and I'm sorry you had to deal with that alone. But, my hopes are, that in sharing my pain step-by-step, it will prompt others to speak out and learn from loss. It can be productive, and this does not always mean that the pain is so great, that we cannot even memorialize our loved ones. Bless you for your experience, love, and support...Nicole N.

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vicki
1/22/2013 07:59:02 pm

Nicole, i am so glad I came across your blog. I too lost my father Jan. 6, 2013. The hurt I am feeling is so overwhelming. I too want to get involved with helping people deal with this disease. I am now trying to figure out where do I go from here. For two years all Ive known was to help take care of my dad. Now I have to fill the void and what better way than to get involved with alz.org. Goodluck

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Nicole N.
1/23/2013 11:32:18 am

Hi Vicki, I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my father one month before you. My feeling is, at this moment, that you should not make any major life decisions as you are probably still in shock or grieving. But, there are things you can do to try to fill up your day, as you have a new normal. I have found that returning to writing is therapeutic. Another gift, is giving back. And, getting involved with ALZ.org is a great start. They are also a great resource if you need assistance as well, they have a 24 hour a day helpline @ 1-800-272-3900. Another thing, if you call the number, they can point you in the direction of your local chapter, where you may be able to start an "Alzheimer's Walk". Either way, keep in touch with my blog, as we can all swap ideas, and process together. Bless you and hang in there!!!

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1/23/2013 04:59:51 am

Thank you for your blog.My husband died from dementia in July. It helps me so much to talk to or read what others have to say about what they have gone through and what is helping them to cope with the loss of someone they love very much.We were married for 50 yrs.we had a wonderful marriage and family,and I feel so thankful to the Lord for that. Even with family and friends, at times I feel so alone.I found your 5 stages of grief to be so true. I jump from one stage to another back and forth,I do feel I am making progress. Thank you

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Nicole N.
1/23/2013 11:36:01 am

Janice, bless you and thank you for sharing. This process is ongoing, as we both know, but the interaction with others who have been there is priceless. So, please...keep in touch with my blog, and we can all support each other. You're doing great sharing this Janice, keep on making others aware!!! And...THANK YOU!

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Joe
1/23/2013 11:08:40 am

Thank you for writing your blog. My Mother was diagnosed with dimentia four years ago and I never accepted it because she had such a long period where she seemed fine. Now, it is slowly getting worse. She has been on aricept for the last four years and the doctor added Nameda about seven months ago. Now she dust wants to stay in the house and not go anywhere. It is a struggle getting her out of the house. Should I give in and quit asking? The doctor said it was probably AD but was definitely dementia. I can tell that her forgetfulness really bothers her. When commercials about AD come on she will ask if she has it and I always so no, your memory is just getting bad. Should I tell her the truth if it is goi g to worry her even further? I hate watching my Mother slowly slip away. It is a horrible disease. I never imagined she would get AD. I want to talk with someone but I think I am still in denial and do not want to accept it.

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Nicole N.
1/23/2013 12:08:08 pm

Hi Joe,
Thanks for sharing that. I'm sure many can relate to you, as I do. First off, I'd like to address some of the questions you had for me.
My father had no idea that he had AD. I mean, he knew something was off, but as a family, for fear that he may just lie down and give up...we never told him. That is a tough one as even I was conflicted by this. But, ultimately...upon reflection, I do believe it was better for him, but everybody is different. Only you know her well enough to make that call.
Also, I know your desire to get her out. My father reached a point where he no longer wanted to go out either. Suggestions are always good, but giving someone dignity is very important. The reason I say this is because this illness can be very limiting, and the amount of input one has into their day-to-day becomes very important to them, like a child. I would say, don't force anything, and suggest things, new things. Even if those are simple things such as sitting close to a window, and spending moments together, listening to soothing music. Games can be great, as long as they aren't too complicated.
But, the best suggestion I have for you is to call ALZ.org. I called many times, and they taught me so much. Educate yourself on sun-downing, and other issues. I feel that by educating myself, it equipped me with some insight as to what my father may have been going through, and taught me how to better help him. Also, be proactive and read on their site, as I feel that arming yourself will combat your denial. ALZ.org is a great community, and you can remain anonymous. The hotline is there 24/7 for ANY questions such as these @ 1-800-272-2900.
Good luck, Joe, and keep in touch with my blog. My next post will be a more detailed account of the disease itself and ways to deal with our loved ones more effectively.
You have inspired my next blog, so...thank you, and hang in there!!!

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Nicole
1/27/2013 11:21:16 am

Hi Joe,
As promised, I wrote my next blog about dealing with the disease. I hope that you will have a look, and pray that you are finding peace in your endeavors. Be well, and be blessed...

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John Y
2/7/2013 11:58:55 am

You nailed this, I loved it!!!

Nicole
2/7/2013 12:37:52 pm

Thank you!!!

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