Processing to Progress
The guests have gone home, the flowers are gone, and the phone calls and condolences have ceased...what to do now?
Most of us know how difficult it can be to lose someone that we love. After the trauma, after the outpouring of emotion, we are left alone to answer the age old question, "Where do I go from here?".
Grief can be very overwhelming, and isolating, for that matter. So, processing your way to progress is very important, and a way to begin healing the heart, mind, body, and soul (all of which needs attention).
First off, allowing ourselves time to grieve, and understanding its purpose, is an essential tool to moving through our pain. Like any emotion, grief is a process, taking on different forms. Remember, no two people are the same, so this may vary from one individual to the next. The current basic model for grief, is comprised of 5 stages.
The five stages of grief, and coping with them:
1. Denial (or Isolation): Sometimes upon learning that someone that we love is passing, or has passed, can be overwhelming, to say the least. We may not be ready to process the gravity of the event. So, as a defense mechanism, one might refuse the news as true. This is a temporary fix that will soon be over-shadowed by reality.
2. Anger: Anger is one of the most primal emotions, especially in sadness. It is sometimes easier to be upset with God, doctors, even family members, in an effort to deflect the onset of pain. In any case, talking about these feelings with somebody you trust can be very therapeutic.
3. Bargaining: This is the stage, I like to call the "Should have, Would have, Could have" phase. In the stage of bargaining, questioning everything, and how doing things differently "might have" changed the outcome, is quite common. We must remember this, "The past is behind us, and we cannot take responsibility for the way life unravels. Surrendering is key."
4. Depression: This is the stage where a sense of hopeless/helplessness tends to surface. Many who hear this word, immediately attach a negative connotation to it. In this case, it is considered not only "normal", but, essential and inevitable to the road to recovery. Allowing ourselves some time for the pain is healthy, in my opinion, to a point. Endpoint being, that one is stuck in the sorrow and losing faith in life. This stage can be very tricky, as some of us may have a history of depression, or even suicidal ideation. If you fit into this category, my advice is to remain vigilant, and if necessary, seek the help of a professional. The strongest people in the world are those who are humble enough to ask for help when it is needed.
5. Acceptance: Acceptance simply means, that we have now accepted the circumstance. This stage can be another deceiving one as some may think that accepting something means being it's "all better". This is not necessarily true. However, at this point, hopefully, you are having more good days than bad, or you can see light again...sometimes. At this point, it is time for a new version of normal. Finding that new version of normal can be the most challenging part of this entire process.
After the process is said and done, prepare to process some more. Here are some ideas on moving forward when the dust settles. Since sadness can cloud judgement, talking to others who have been where you are, can be very helpful. This will allow you to help deduce logical thoughts from useless, invasive ones.
Remember to talk to yourself, as well, as this is one of the most important conversations one can have. How we talk to ourselves is very important. For example, try to tell yourself that you are worth it, and that your loved one would want to see you thrive, not surrender to pain.
I have found it crucial to stop, think, and sometimes do the opposite of what I think I want, replacing it with what I need instead. For instance, I have replaced my desire to isolate by embracing those around me, and surrounding myself with love and encouragement. Ask people that you trust for help. Remember that you are worthy of care too, accept it, and be in the moment of love.
Sometimes, sitting alone with our thoughts can be therapeutic, but in times of fear, it can be debilitating. Be aware of your thoughts before you sit alone with them. However, if alone time is being used constructively i.e. meditation, staying in the moment, smelling the roses, than you are on the journey of processing to progress.
-Nicole
The guests have gone home, the flowers are gone, and the phone calls and condolences have ceased...what to do now?
Most of us know how difficult it can be to lose someone that we love. After the trauma, after the outpouring of emotion, we are left alone to answer the age old question, "Where do I go from here?".
Grief can be very overwhelming, and isolating, for that matter. So, processing your way to progress is very important, and a way to begin healing the heart, mind, body, and soul (all of which needs attention).
First off, allowing ourselves time to grieve, and understanding its purpose, is an essential tool to moving through our pain. Like any emotion, grief is a process, taking on different forms. Remember, no two people are the same, so this may vary from one individual to the next. The current basic model for grief, is comprised of 5 stages.
The five stages of grief, and coping with them:
1. Denial (or Isolation): Sometimes upon learning that someone that we love is passing, or has passed, can be overwhelming, to say the least. We may not be ready to process the gravity of the event. So, as a defense mechanism, one might refuse the news as true. This is a temporary fix that will soon be over-shadowed by reality.
2. Anger: Anger is one of the most primal emotions, especially in sadness. It is sometimes easier to be upset with God, doctors, even family members, in an effort to deflect the onset of pain. In any case, talking about these feelings with somebody you trust can be very therapeutic.
3. Bargaining: This is the stage, I like to call the "Should have, Would have, Could have" phase. In the stage of bargaining, questioning everything, and how doing things differently "might have" changed the outcome, is quite common. We must remember this, "The past is behind us, and we cannot take responsibility for the way life unravels. Surrendering is key."
4. Depression: This is the stage where a sense of hopeless/helplessness tends to surface. Many who hear this word, immediately attach a negative connotation to it. In this case, it is considered not only "normal", but, essential and inevitable to the road to recovery. Allowing ourselves some time for the pain is healthy, in my opinion, to a point. Endpoint being, that one is stuck in the sorrow and losing faith in life. This stage can be very tricky, as some of us may have a history of depression, or even suicidal ideation. If you fit into this category, my advice is to remain vigilant, and if necessary, seek the help of a professional. The strongest people in the world are those who are humble enough to ask for help when it is needed.
5. Acceptance: Acceptance simply means, that we have now accepted the circumstance. This stage can be another deceiving one as some may think that accepting something means being it's "all better". This is not necessarily true. However, at this point, hopefully, you are having more good days than bad, or you can see light again...sometimes. At this point, it is time for a new version of normal. Finding that new version of normal can be the most challenging part of this entire process.
After the process is said and done, prepare to process some more. Here are some ideas on moving forward when the dust settles. Since sadness can cloud judgement, talking to others who have been where you are, can be very helpful. This will allow you to help deduce logical thoughts from useless, invasive ones.
Remember to talk to yourself, as well, as this is one of the most important conversations one can have. How we talk to ourselves is very important. For example, try to tell yourself that you are worth it, and that your loved one would want to see you thrive, not surrender to pain.
I have found it crucial to stop, think, and sometimes do the opposite of what I think I want, replacing it with what I need instead. For instance, I have replaced my desire to isolate by embracing those around me, and surrounding myself with love and encouragement. Ask people that you trust for help. Remember that you are worthy of care too, accept it, and be in the moment of love.
Sometimes, sitting alone with our thoughts can be therapeutic, but in times of fear, it can be debilitating. Be aware of your thoughts before you sit alone with them. However, if alone time is being used constructively i.e. meditation, staying in the moment, smelling the roses, than you are on the journey of processing to progress.
-Nicole
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